The Other Shoe just Dropped...
For those who know me...I'm always right. I pride myself on that sometimes, other times it's just for fun. Like did you ever have any doubt, of course I was right!
Yet, today I was right and I have never been so unhappy to be right in all my life. Today, I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to tell me that even though the signs were there, and even though my little girl had her little quirks, she did not have autism. I knew it in my gut, and in my heart, I knew she did. I have researched it enough, I am with her everyday, all day most days. But, not being a specialist, I wanted to be wrong...I wanted someone to tell me it was only her sensory processing disorder...unfortunately this day I was right, again.
Our update...Another specialist to check off our "list"...I just felt like we were doing this to satisfy the pediatrician...but it didn't quite go as I planned. We went to a developmental pediatrician today. A very long and thorough evaluation was done, over two and a half hours. Anna did well, she played and allowed mommy and daddy to talk to the Dr. She even allowed the Dr. to examine her. She did all she was supposed to do, from drawing to pointing out pictures, to building with blocks. But at the end, the blow hit. She has mild to moderate autism. My heart was palpitating and I tried not to think so I wouldn't lose my composure. The Dr went over a lot and I was trying to process it all.
We knew Myanna had speech delays, and her assessment was right on target. She noted her social skills delays, her not being able to have a conversation. She mentioned her feet and needing some inserts to help her keep her feet in the correct position in order for her bones to grow properly. She mentioned that we look into another feeding clinic in the near future. All I could hear was autism.
Myanna was done, it was a long appt for her and she was crying to go home. I had to leave with some questions still in my mind. The Dr saw that and told me that after I read her report to call her with any questions. I turned and asked the Dr one last question...just to make sure. Was she giving Anna the autism diagnosis to make her available for more services, or was she really sure she was on the spectrum. She nodded and said, because she satisfies so many of the features on the spectrum, that's why I diagnosed her. Her sensory processing disorder, anxiety, OCD, hyperactivity, speech delay and social skills and cues delays. And with that nod, and reassurance, my heart dropped.
I feel like, I was pretty comfortable with her sensory processing disorder diagnosis. It has been around a long time with us, mentioned back when she was just 4 or 5 months old. I've accepted that, even though it's a really hard diagnosis to explain when people have never heard of it. Autism, I was starting to ignore. So many people would say, oh she's not autistic, even doctors. I would explain to family and friends, nope, she only has sensory processing and anxiety disorders, they parallel autism spectrum. I said it so much I had almost come to believe it, even though the nagging in my gut was always there. So, now, a new world. I'm not sure how I feel. What I thought of first was, now she can get the speech therapy we have been fighting for...now she can get ABA therapy if they think she needs it...now she can get sensory feeding therapists to help her through autism therapists. Ok, so this isn't a horrible thing. It will help her get more of the services she already needs.
Myanna is on the autism spectrum. I need that to sink in. Or not...
No, nothing has changed...
Myanna is beautiful, intelligent, energetic, inquisitive, strong willed, spirited, amazing, clever, angelic, cheerful, gentle, determined, funny, loving and delightful to be with...that's what she is to me. She's my baby girl, she calls herself baby Anna. And I Love Her More then the World.
She DID it! All by herself!
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Maybe watching Big brother do it was incentive to try it on her own! She's getting so big!
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Easter Weekend
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We hosted Easter at our house this year with an Easter Breakfast. Lovely having our family here and just relaxing. We were able to go to the park, have an easter egg hunt and color eggs as well. Our big surprise was Dylan showing up. Anna saw him and yelled his name while she jumped up and down! She missed him for her birthday and even asked him where he was during their skyping session. I'm glad she is understanding when people come over. She loves visitors now.
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Playing with stickers
Basket from Nanny and PapPap
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Myanna's Birthday Party!
Happy Birthday, Princess!!
She had a great birthday party this year! She was so very excited and we talked about it for days. She had a great time smashing into her birthday cake and getting a quick sink bath afterwards! Of course she couldn't wait to start opening presents. Grandma, Aunt Rachele, Uncle Tommy and Mason came from NY as well as Uncle David, Aunt Lina, Uncle Jim and Aunt Pam. Our neighbors came over too and Anna is always excited to see Mr. Tim and Ms. JoAnna. Mr. Abel and Ms. Wanda came for a visit as well as Ms. Cathy. The next day, Amber, Kevin and the boys stopped by too. Anna was very excited by all of her visitors. It was an amazing birthday for her and she crashed on the couch afterwards for a much needed nap. We are very Blessed to have so many people in our lives who love our little girl! Thank you to all.
She had a great birthday party this year! She was so very excited and we talked about it for days. She had a great time smashing into her birthday cake and getting a quick sink bath afterwards! Of course she couldn't wait to start opening presents. Grandma, Aunt Rachele, Uncle Tommy and Mason came from NY as well as Uncle David, Aunt Lina, Uncle Jim and Aunt Pam. Our neighbors came over too and Anna is always excited to see Mr. Tim and Ms. JoAnna. Mr. Abel and Ms. Wanda came for a visit as well as Ms. Cathy. The next day, Amber, Kevin and the boys stopped by too. Anna was very excited by all of her visitors. It was an amazing birthday for her and she crashed on the couch afterwards for a much needed nap. We are very Blessed to have so many people in our lives who love our little girl! Thank you to all.
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Cinderella dress from Aunt Pam and Uncle Jim
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And an afternoon nap. Princess asleep after hearing her book from Grandma and Grandpa
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Myanna is Three
So tired after her big birthday party!
My girl is Three!!! Wow! It's incredible to see this tiny little wonder and all that she is. She's a little firecracker for sure, as a friend pointed out to me. She has the stamina to beat the energizer bunny I think. This year has been an amazing year, with many firsts and moments we weren't quite ready for, but Anna has crushed them all as she does. There are some goals we have not accomplished just yet, but many we have and others are just on the horizon. So to celebrate Anna's accomplishments again this year I'm going to post what she has learned this year...we are so proud of her! ...I do have more pictures of her...coming soon!
Myanna can...
And does go to Preschool!
Kick a ball
Wear a ponytail (for a short period)
Use two word phrases
Distinguish colors
Wear a bike helmet
Ride a tricycle!
Play with play dough, shaving cream, whipped cream
Brush her teeth
Pull on/off her pants
Get a cold...but get better fast!!!
Eat a whole panera baguette
Catch a ball
Do a somersault (sideways;))
Swing at the playground
Draw circles and lines
Throw a ball
Play hide and seek
Go potty (when she is with her big sister)
Eat a pancake!
Sit at a restaurant for dinner
Skip
Feed herself with a fork
Fingerprint
Do puzzles on the ipad
Dance
Build duplo blocks
Put on rain boots and some shoes
Make a snow angel
Blow bubbles
Laugh and giggle always
Name some colors
Tell me when she pees, or poops
Walk backwards
Jump over a cone
Climb a ladder
Match memory cards
Say and sign I Love You
...Always bring a smile to my face. As bad as some days are, at the end of the day there she is with her amazing smile and she always knows just the moment that her mommy needs a hug, or a kiss, or an I Love You. She has a light within her that makes her glow some days. Her beautiful green eyes pull people in to her world. She is Loved by so many. Happy Birthday, my boo. Mommy and Daddy Love you so very much, More Than the World.
Myanna can...
And does go to Preschool!
Kick a ball
Wear a ponytail (for a short period)
Use two word phrases
Distinguish colors
Wear a bike helmet
Ride a tricycle!
Play with play dough, shaving cream, whipped cream
Brush her teeth
Pull on/off her pants
Get a cold...but get better fast!!!
Eat a whole panera baguette
Catch a ball
Do a somersault (sideways;))
Swing at the playground
Draw circles and lines
Throw a ball
Play hide and seek
Go potty (when she is with her big sister)
Eat a pancake!
Sit at a restaurant for dinner
Skip
Feed herself with a fork
Fingerprint
Do puzzles on the ipad
Dance
Build duplo blocks
Put on rain boots and some shoes
Make a snow angel
Blow bubbles
Laugh and giggle always
Name some colors
Tell me when she pees, or poops
Walk backwards
Jump over a cone
Climb a ladder
Match memory cards
Say and sign I Love You
...Always bring a smile to my face. As bad as some days are, at the end of the day there she is with her amazing smile and she always knows just the moment that her mommy needs a hug, or a kiss, or an I Love You. She has a light within her that makes her glow some days. Her beautiful green eyes pull people in to her world. She is Loved by so many. Happy Birthday, my boo. Mommy and Daddy Love you so very much, More Than the World.
3 year old princess
As we entered April, anxiety kicked in again. I'm not sure why...but I still get upset and angry about those days before Anna decided she was ready to arrive. April 4th, always an anxiety ridden day. That was the day of the long awaited sonogram. The birth mom had one excuse after another to keep canceling. I was so worried about my baby since she hadn't had an ultrasound since she was 14 weeks. I couldn't get the medical records either and birth mom was not forthcoming about her drug usage. I asked for her to have a 3D ultrasound, I wanted to see Myanna so eagerly, but birth mom couldn't get that done either...even after I made the appointment and was paying for it all. She just had to show up, and she didn't.
On the 4th, I was ecstatic that birth mom called and let me listen to Myanna's heart beat. It sounded fast, but strong. She told me that the doctor mentioned her placenta was becoming calcified and that she needed to stop smoking. Something I thought she had already done. I could tell she was upset, and quickly googled placenta calcification to find out anything we could do to slow it down. Foods with antioxidants seemed to be helpful and I texted her with a list. She seemed receptive and said she was going to do everything to help keep her healthy...she lied. And that is why April 4th will always bring me to tears and break my heart...
I did not receive all of Myanna's medical records until after I got home from the NICU and the lawyer sent me the package. He had more information then I had. For the past month while in the NICU I had been running things through my mind, over and over...how she kept apologizing, how she swore she didn't do any drugs after 12 weeks even though they were in her blood system...as well as in Myanna's blood system at the delivery. How she only took the methadone prescribed to her, even though there was three times that amount in their blood. The more I heard about Myanna's birth, the more sad and angry I became, and it would only get worse when I received the package from the lawyer.
I didn't read it at first, I didn't realize it was any different then what I already had read. When I did, i fell to my knees crying, angry...the papers said that birth mom was told to head straight to the women's and children's center. They already had called in a room for her. Her baby, My baby, was in distress. Then...it says, birth mom left the office, and never went to the hospital...and I never knew this, nobody told me. She never told me.
So, as these days flood over me every year, Forgiveness is very distant, my heart is still torn. For someone to purposely put my daughters life in danger, to ignore the doctors warnings, to go and abuse more drugs...is inconceivable to me.
I look at my daughter, my beautiful pixie girl, and thank God she is here...thank Him that she was so very strong that she survived. And I struggle with myself for ten days it seems, those ten days that she suffered most of all and she was in danger...until the day she was born. And that day is a celebration for me and what she has accomplished. What she has been able to overcome, is amazing to me. Her strength makes my heart strong and makes me courageous enough to fight for her. It seems like we battle often with doctors and professionals to get everything Myanna needs, but I don't mind...Because it's not just a matter of Myanna being able to survive, I want her to be able to live.
On the 4th, I was ecstatic that birth mom called and let me listen to Myanna's heart beat. It sounded fast, but strong. She told me that the doctor mentioned her placenta was becoming calcified and that she needed to stop smoking. Something I thought she had already done. I could tell she was upset, and quickly googled placenta calcification to find out anything we could do to slow it down. Foods with antioxidants seemed to be helpful and I texted her with a list. She seemed receptive and said she was going to do everything to help keep her healthy...she lied. And that is why April 4th will always bring me to tears and break my heart...
I did not receive all of Myanna's medical records until after I got home from the NICU and the lawyer sent me the package. He had more information then I had. For the past month while in the NICU I had been running things through my mind, over and over...how she kept apologizing, how she swore she didn't do any drugs after 12 weeks even though they were in her blood system...as well as in Myanna's blood system at the delivery. How she only took the methadone prescribed to her, even though there was three times that amount in their blood. The more I heard about Myanna's birth, the more sad and angry I became, and it would only get worse when I received the package from the lawyer.
I didn't read it at first, I didn't realize it was any different then what I already had read. When I did, i fell to my knees crying, angry...the papers said that birth mom was told to head straight to the women's and children's center. They already had called in a room for her. Her baby, My baby, was in distress. Then...it says, birth mom left the office, and never went to the hospital...and I never knew this, nobody told me. She never told me.
So, as these days flood over me every year, Forgiveness is very distant, my heart is still torn. For someone to purposely put my daughters life in danger, to ignore the doctors warnings, to go and abuse more drugs...is inconceivable to me.
I look at my daughter, my beautiful pixie girl, and thank God she is here...thank Him that she was so very strong that she survived. And I struggle with myself for ten days it seems, those ten days that she suffered most of all and she was in danger...until the day she was born. And that day is a celebration for me and what she has accomplished. What she has been able to overcome, is amazing to me. Her strength makes my heart strong and makes me courageous enough to fight for her. It seems like we battle often with doctors and professionals to get everything Myanna needs, but I don't mind...Because it's not just a matter of Myanna being able to survive, I want her to be able to live.
