The first year...life changing in so many ways...Our little Blessing. "Our Anna"
One year ago, we got the call…birth mom might be in labor. Total shock as all the emotions were flooding through our minds…She was early, at least 4 weeks. We waited to hear, and a little while later, another call, it was confirmed and then just a short hour later, our daughter was born, Myanna Marie Rose, "Anna". It was a huge moment and the fastest packing job in history! We were 15 hours away and scrambling to get organized and down to our baby as soon as humanly possible. We decided to drive since we figured she would have to stay in the hospital for a bit with adoption paper work and being a preemie. We drove all night and just 16 hours after she was born, we were looking at her tiny little body, our baby girl.
It’s been a long year of ups and downs for our little one. They guessed she was actually 34 weeks, but with IUGR she only weighed 3lb, 5oz. She was suffering from drug withdrawal that we were unaware of and wasn’t able to take a bottle. In the next few days, she had a lot of diagnosis and what might lay ahead for us was really unknown…after 30 emotional days- Chris flew back to get us and we started the long trip home. (He had to go home and work for a couple of weeks during the NICU stay). I missed a lot while I was away...Amanda had her Senior prom, without me to help her get ready, Dylan came home for the summer from college, and I missed Mother's day with all my children...but, Remembering the first moment that Dylan and Amanda met their baby sister was priceless and a most beautiful memory for all of us to share.
I went through a lot trying to understand why she was crying all the time and wouldn’t eat more than 3 oz, even when she got bigger. She seemed like a very miserable baby, always in pain or just discomfort. I am still not sure of why that was…we are still going through more guesses even now of why she can't eat more without vomiting. It amazes me how many things the doctors were wrong about. Anna had ultrasounds on every part of her body, and x-rays and blood tests galore. Despite all the scares and “what ifs”; she has developed just fine, her motor skills are terrific, she is crawling, standing, cruising and beginning to walk... and she is learning to communicate with words and a few signs.
So many things are always on my mind though…like how little people know about preemies and how hard it is for these little ones to grow. Who knew a baby could look at a bottle and make herself vomit?? The “catch up” part of growing is the most stressful on us though, the fact that even though she was born smaller she should catch up by a year or maybe two. The stress comes from the ever-allusive numbers on a chart made for full term babies. We have barely touched that chart, even at a year. Anna is still considered “failure to thrive”, a horrible term referring to slow weight gain. Even though the correct definition also has to do with milestones and learning- which she is doing fine in…but she is still listed as FTT. I think she is thriving wonderfully! She is the most energetic baby I have ever seen. I think her metabolism is part of the reason it is so hard for her to gain weight, she is burning so many calories!
I never heard of “high needs” before Anna…I never thought I would have to see my own baby have open heart surgery and now a scar down her chest as a constant reminder of the pain. I never knew that a baby would NOT eat, even if they were hungry…that they really could starve if you didn’t force them to eat. I never knew I would have to plead for my baby to eat her food, with tears on both of our faces. I never knew a baby would refuse her bottle, even after hours and hours of not eating. I never knew so many babies needed G-tubes for basic nutrition and that I would be trying so hard to keep my daughter from needing one…As it stands now, at a year old, I may have won some of the battles, but I am losing the War, I fear. Anna’s reflux is still bad if not getting worse and causing her to vomit her food still…this in turn makes her not interested in eating. She has developed a feeding (oral) aversion and she is winning in the control department...if she keeps winning, we lose and she will end up with a G-tube (feeding tube). She has a sore throat a lot of the time due to the reflux acids coming up from her stomach, that also makes her not want to eat.
I never knew I would ever decide to co-sleep with my baby so we all could have a good nights sleep...We found that the comfort of us near her and the touch of my hand at night was something she needed, finally, she has found comfort. Anna was a hard baby, she never wanted to be hugged, she would arch away. She never liked to be kissed. She has what they call sensory issues...She never liked to be rocked for long and we would walk her literally for hours with her screaming in our arms. She was so miserable that I felt like she didn't trust us or find comfort in us, even after her open heart surgery, she was in so much pain and we were unable to console her.
Well, when she turned 9 months old and had RSV, she was a mess. She had a runny nose, coughing, fever and she wasn't drinking her bottles...and all she wanted was to be in my arms! For the first time in her life, she wanted her mommy and I was in heaven, but she was sooo sick I was unable to find any joy in it. She spent days attached to me, first at home and then in the hospital. When we returned home again, she had developed pneumonia and so I kept her with me to keep an eye on her. She would just curl up in my arms and relax. After all those days, there was no going back. There wasn't enough room in our bed for Chris, Anna and I so I found a way to attach the crib to our bed like a side car on a motorcycle!
Anna recently decided to give up her pacifier, not a great choice of timing on her part...she is trying to push quite a few teeth in simultaneously and it is quite painful for her- we can tell...so, I still rock my little girl to sleep most nights. Its probably not the best process, but I enjoy it and have waited so long for her to want to curl up in my arms and be able to relax. I think we have found that she needed me as much as I needed her... I feel that if she screams to go to sleep like so many tell me to let her cry it out, she will vomit...and then she would have to get cleaned up and we would start over again. Its very stressful for her and honestly me. So, I let her fall asleep, peacefully in my arms and she sleeps within arms reach every night and I don't feel like she is going to become a "monster" because of it, like the pediatrician has informed me...on the contrary, I feel she is understanding and learning love and security. She has had a lot happen to her and her body is still suffering with reflux and vomiting...I think I am building her confidence, as a friend pointed out to me, and proving to her that we are there for her all the way, no matter what. I think it is working too. My little girl who didn't want to be touched is letting us hug her now and giving us hugs on our legs...she is giving us kisses now and showing us that she knows she is loved.
So, as our first year has come to a close with our beautiful daughter whom we love soooo much…we are struggling with how to keep her healthy (she has now had RSV, pneumonia, strep throat and 4 ear infections as well as her heart condition…Some days, like after the GI doctor appt, I wonder if it’s time to give up and admit defeat. I know it’s not really defeat (and we would never give up on her, but possibly give up the fight and let them do a G-tube) -but as a mom who has raised two other children and many foster babies and was confident with her knowledge of caring for babies, I feel like I have failed her in the nourishment department. As I have these thoughts, I also know that I am wrong, I know I have done everything humanly possible up to this point to get her to eat and gain weight... I am stubborn and unless someone tells me that I have to allow them do a g-tube or Anna totally decides to stop eating, that the g-tube will never happen. I do not want her to undergo anymore surgery and if that means getting up through the night for another year and feeding her, then I will and if it means feeding her 6 times a day, like I do now, then I will...because she needs me to help her right now and I feel like a g-tube is not going to help her learn to eat, I might be wrong. I hope I am right...
Adopting her was the best thing we ever did, she has brought us tremendous joy and so much love, but at times I wish my life didn’t focus on counting calories, specialists and doctor appts, measuring foods, adding extra fats, avoiding feeding tubes and stressing over the calories at the end of the day and hoping she would gain just a little more weight...I wish it was just simple so we could just have fun and play with her. She is such a fun, smart and happy baby. She has been a miracle to our entire family and we are very Blessed to have her.
She is now 17lbs, 6 oz. and 28 inches long. OUR Beautiful little girl! We love you, Anna, More Than the World!!
So many things are always on my mind though…like how little people know about preemies and how hard it is for these little ones to grow. Who knew a baby could look at a bottle and make herself vomit?? The “catch up” part of growing is the most stressful on us though, the fact that even though she was born smaller she should catch up by a year or maybe two. The stress comes from the ever-allusive numbers on a chart made for full term babies. We have barely touched that chart, even at a year. Anna is still considered “failure to thrive”, a horrible term referring to slow weight gain. Even though the correct definition also has to do with milestones and learning- which she is doing fine in…but she is still listed as FTT. I think she is thriving wonderfully! She is the most energetic baby I have ever seen. I think her metabolism is part of the reason it is so hard for her to gain weight, she is burning so many calories!
I never heard of “high needs” before Anna…I never thought I would have to see my own baby have open heart surgery and now a scar down her chest as a constant reminder of the pain. I never knew that a baby would NOT eat, even if they were hungry…that they really could starve if you didn’t force them to eat. I never knew I would have to plead for my baby to eat her food, with tears on both of our faces. I never knew a baby would refuse her bottle, even after hours and hours of not eating. I never knew so many babies needed G-tubes for basic nutrition and that I would be trying so hard to keep my daughter from needing one…As it stands now, at a year old, I may have won some of the battles, but I am losing the War, I fear. Anna’s reflux is still bad if not getting worse and causing her to vomit her food still…this in turn makes her not interested in eating. She has developed a feeding (oral) aversion and she is winning in the control department...if she keeps winning, we lose and she will end up with a G-tube (feeding tube). She has a sore throat a lot of the time due to the reflux acids coming up from her stomach, that also makes her not want to eat.
I never knew I would ever decide to co-sleep with my baby so we all could have a good nights sleep...We found that the comfort of us near her and the touch of my hand at night was something she needed, finally, she has found comfort. Anna was a hard baby, she never wanted to be hugged, she would arch away. She never liked to be kissed. She has what they call sensory issues...She never liked to be rocked for long and we would walk her literally for hours with her screaming in our arms. She was so miserable that I felt like she didn't trust us or find comfort in us, even after her open heart surgery, she was in so much pain and we were unable to console her.
Well, when she turned 9 months old and had RSV, she was a mess. She had a runny nose, coughing, fever and she wasn't drinking her bottles...and all she wanted was to be in my arms! For the first time in her life, she wanted her mommy and I was in heaven, but she was sooo sick I was unable to find any joy in it. She spent days attached to me, first at home and then in the hospital. When we returned home again, she had developed pneumonia and so I kept her with me to keep an eye on her. She would just curl up in my arms and relax. After all those days, there was no going back. There wasn't enough room in our bed for Chris, Anna and I so I found a way to attach the crib to our bed like a side car on a motorcycle!
Anna recently decided to give up her pacifier, not a great choice of timing on her part...she is trying to push quite a few teeth in simultaneously and it is quite painful for her- we can tell...so, I still rock my little girl to sleep most nights. Its probably not the best process, but I enjoy it and have waited so long for her to want to curl up in my arms and be able to relax. I think we have found that she needed me as much as I needed her... I feel that if she screams to go to sleep like so many tell me to let her cry it out, she will vomit...and then she would have to get cleaned up and we would start over again. Its very stressful for her and honestly me. So, I let her fall asleep, peacefully in my arms and she sleeps within arms reach every night and I don't feel like she is going to become a "monster" because of it, like the pediatrician has informed me...on the contrary, I feel she is understanding and learning love and security. She has had a lot happen to her and her body is still suffering with reflux and vomiting...I think I am building her confidence, as a friend pointed out to me, and proving to her that we are there for her all the way, no matter what. I think it is working too. My little girl who didn't want to be touched is letting us hug her now and giving us hugs on our legs...she is giving us kisses now and showing us that she knows she is loved.
So, as our first year has come to a close with our beautiful daughter whom we love soooo much…we are struggling with how to keep her healthy (she has now had RSV, pneumonia, strep throat and 4 ear infections as well as her heart condition…Some days, like after the GI doctor appt, I wonder if it’s time to give up and admit defeat. I know it’s not really defeat (and we would never give up on her, but possibly give up the fight and let them do a G-tube) -but as a mom who has raised two other children and many foster babies and was confident with her knowledge of caring for babies, I feel like I have failed her in the nourishment department. As I have these thoughts, I also know that I am wrong, I know I have done everything humanly possible up to this point to get her to eat and gain weight... I am stubborn and unless someone tells me that I have to allow them do a g-tube or Anna totally decides to stop eating, that the g-tube will never happen. I do not want her to undergo anymore surgery and if that means getting up through the night for another year and feeding her, then I will and if it means feeding her 6 times a day, like I do now, then I will...because she needs me to help her right now and I feel like a g-tube is not going to help her learn to eat, I might be wrong. I hope I am right...
Adopting her was the best thing we ever did, she has brought us tremendous joy and so much love, but at times I wish my life didn’t focus on counting calories, specialists and doctor appts, measuring foods, adding extra fats, avoiding feeding tubes and stressing over the calories at the end of the day and hoping she would gain just a little more weight...I wish it was just simple so we could just have fun and play with her. She is such a fun, smart and happy baby. She has been a miracle to our entire family and we are very Blessed to have her.
She is now 17lbs, 6 oz. and 28 inches long. OUR Beautiful little girl! We love you, Anna, More Than the World!!