
Merry Christmas to All and a Happy New Year!! Sorry about the delay with the post, but we had quite a few sick through the house. Anna is just getting over the flu at this time. We had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends. Our trip to NY was sadly shortened due to Anna's illness, but it was very nice and we were able to see everyone! Myanna loves playing with Addie, her cousin. She follows her around constantly and learns a lot from her, dressing up being the big attraction right now.
THank you, Lord... 2014, here we come
As the year has begun...I've been thinking a lot of the past few years. I see how hard this is for some moms, dealing with doctors, therapy, diagnosis...including myself. How many of them are having trouble believing in anything and being angry with God...
I'm not one to talk about God. People who know me, know that about me. I have faith, I pray, I know He is always there and I know he has made all these choices in my life for good reasons. I feel like, for once, I want to talk about Him though. He has made a huge impression upon me the past few years and I want to share.
I thank The Lord daily for saving Anna and bringing her into my life. I know without his tender care she would have never survived the pregnancy, let alone the first six months of her life. I thank Him for finding all the specialists that figured out why she had such trouble breathing and eating. I thank Him for all the therapists and teachers who work with her and teach her to live in the chaotic world. I thank Him because he found just the right doctor with his tiny hands to open her chest, pull out her tiny heart while on life support and fix her holes with nothing more then a raincoat material. I thank Him for helping her to find her way and learn to walk, talk, and run like the wind.
I also thank Him for making her in the special way He did. Without her special needs I would still be oblivious, still in the dark about many issues around me. Instead, He has opened my eyes and I am seeing the world as if my eyes were shut before Anna. Now, when I see a child loud in a store, or drinking a bottle past the age of two, or flailing on the floor screaming...I nod, and smile. I get it. I see those moms, I see those children, I see them...because I see me. I'm not a new mom, but it's a new world for me. A new ball game.
In our new world, I see how protective and loving her big brother is, always calling her beautiful. I see how her big sister has changed her major from a marine biologist to becoming a doctor, possibly a cardiologist like the one who saved her sisters life. I see how issues we have had to deal with have brought about an awakening for Chris while dealing with and some of his patients...he is now understanding some of them a little bit more. I have learned so much through research and searching for answers. I have met some wonderful people who I never would have had the opportunity to know. I find that before Anna I was Blessed, but now I am truly Blessed and my faith is growing, and He isn't done with us yet. So, for all of this, I am truly thankful.
I do wish Anna didn't have to go through all she has in order to teach us lessons...to help us see the world like she does. To go through the pain, trauma and suffering she has endured...I feel guilty about that. Yet, I also know she has a strong soul, one that is ready for the challenge of teaching our family lessons everyday. She is our little wonder, our miracle, our amazing little girl. Thank you, Lord, for our precious gift.
I'm not one to talk about God. People who know me, know that about me. I have faith, I pray, I know He is always there and I know he has made all these choices in my life for good reasons. I feel like, for once, I want to talk about Him though. He has made a huge impression upon me the past few years and I want to share.
I thank The Lord daily for saving Anna and bringing her into my life. I know without his tender care she would have never survived the pregnancy, let alone the first six months of her life. I thank Him for finding all the specialists that figured out why she had such trouble breathing and eating. I thank Him for all the therapists and teachers who work with her and teach her to live in the chaotic world. I thank Him because he found just the right doctor with his tiny hands to open her chest, pull out her tiny heart while on life support and fix her holes with nothing more then a raincoat material. I thank Him for helping her to find her way and learn to walk, talk, and run like the wind.
I also thank Him for making her in the special way He did. Without her special needs I would still be oblivious, still in the dark about many issues around me. Instead, He has opened my eyes and I am seeing the world as if my eyes were shut before Anna. Now, when I see a child loud in a store, or drinking a bottle past the age of two, or flailing on the floor screaming...I nod, and smile. I get it. I see those moms, I see those children, I see them...because I see me. I'm not a new mom, but it's a new world for me. A new ball game.
In our new world, I see how protective and loving her big brother is, always calling her beautiful. I see how her big sister has changed her major from a marine biologist to becoming a doctor, possibly a cardiologist like the one who saved her sisters life. I see how issues we have had to deal with have brought about an awakening for Chris while dealing with and some of his patients...he is now understanding some of them a little bit more. I have learned so much through research and searching for answers. I have met some wonderful people who I never would have had the opportunity to know. I find that before Anna I was Blessed, but now I am truly Blessed and my faith is growing, and He isn't done with us yet. So, for all of this, I am truly thankful.
I do wish Anna didn't have to go through all she has in order to teach us lessons...to help us see the world like she does. To go through the pain, trauma and suffering she has endured...I feel guilty about that. Yet, I also know she has a strong soul, one that is ready for the challenge of teaching our family lessons everyday. She is our little wonder, our miracle, our amazing little girl. Thank you, Lord, for our precious gift.
32 months

TIme seems to be flying by...Hard to believe in 4 months she will be 3 years old! She's doing very well in school, loves to go! Soccer is sorta just running around, she isn't very good at following directions just yet; there is a lot of distractions there. The big moment we had this month...heck this year, came at soccer though! Anna hugged someone for the first time! Not the normal lean in and let the other person hug her, but actually leaned in to a little boy, and when he did not respond by hugging her...She hugged him! I have to say, I really had a hard time keeping my emotions in check! She is changing so much, daily. We are so proud of her! I think we are all excited about Christmas, just to sit and watch her open her gifts! As you can see by the photo, Anna loves leaves! She cannot get enough of them. It's so fun to watch her grow and learn.
I have to mention, it was wonderful to have Amanda and Dylan home for Thanksgiving. Myanna loved having them here. Mommy got sick, and Myanna had a cold, but we still managed to get the tree, not quite done yet though. Dylan had to leave before we got the lights or angel up this year. Excited that in a little over two weeks they will be back again.
Moments...the love affair with my daughter...
The love affair with my daughter...that is her falling in love with me...took a long time. I am her mommy and she is comforted by me...finally. Yes, it's been a long time, more time then most babies need to build the mother child relationship that is so dear...but it's been a long and traumatic two and a half years. I'm surprised as anyone it has taken this long, there have been glimpses, moments, but the complete comfort has just come along these past 4 months or so. That natural bond, the easy way a baby immediately loves their mommy, knows their mommy, even in a crowd. They can recognize her sound, her voice, her heartbeat, her smell...but who was I to her? Another nurse, another caregiver, why should she trust me? Poor baby girl needed to learn to trust, learn to love, learn to find comfort in another's arms. My arms.
Surprised, yes, after all the foster babies in my care I knew how easily it was for a baby to connect to a mother other then the one who gave birth to her. I was that mother, that foster mom who helped them to learn that skill. The bonds we established were strong and took a while for babies to become attached to their forever mothers. In receiving that first care, that unconditional love, they were able to trust and love again. That's the plan, the goal. Maybe it was easier being healthy babies and coming to my home just a day or two after being born. I was there for Myanna the day after, just 16 hrs after she was born...but things were different for Myanna and I. Her birth wasn't peaceful or calm. Her birth was frightening and painful, bright and loud. She was on guard from the first moment she arrived.
When she needed comfort, when she needed to bond, she was in an incubator. The brief moments I had with her weren't enough to allow her to breath me in, recognize a new heart beat, listen to the sound of a strange voice. For her, when she was distraught and needed someone familiar, there was no one there. Just a multitude of strangers, me included. She was under lights for jaundice, she had blood tests daily, she needed re-stuck with IVs a few times, even one in her head. She had ultrasounds, and she screamed through them, while they held her down. She was having issues with the world, sensory issues we now understand more then we did back then. The lights and sounds were overwhelming for her. She had medication and drugs in her system for the birth mom, and they were messing up her system. She already had reflux and was vomiting her formula. Her heart was racing so fast and her breathing was like a Jack rabbit. So much so, they wouldn't allow her to eat from a bottle. She was ngtube fed and when they did allow bottle feeds they were small and she was hungry for more. It was sad to watch her go through it all, she needed what I couldn't give her, a familiar sounding heart, a voice, a smell.
A month later, when we were finally home she was having bonding issues. I know that now. I am not ashamed or hurt, I understand. At the time, I was so upset because she was uncomfortable and had such huge issues with drinking her bottle. I held her, rocked her, sang to her, walked her...She had silent reflux, rapid breathing and heart rate, as well as colic. She had dr appointments all the time and blood tests monthly. She never wanted to be up against my chest, she wanted to be held outwards, watching the world. She didn't like being in a wrap or sling. She wasn't comforted by my voice, she was lost.
Our baby would undergo many tests, some very uncomfortable or painful over many months and I was unable to reassure her. In my arms she was uncomfortable. There was no belief for her that her mommy would make it all better. The worst days were her surgery, and the days that followed. Those days when a mommy can heal all wounds and wipe all tears away. I was unable to even comfort her with a touch or by holding her. I think she didn't trust anyone, she was in so much pain, and looking for someone to fix it for her. It was heartbreaking to watch and still fills me with the utmost sadness thinking of it. In my arms, she should have found some sort of contentment, some sort of ease, but it was just full of sadness and pain for her. She screamed all the time, and the doctors didn't offer her any more pain meds then Tylenol and Advil after the first 36 hrs.
A glimmer of hope for our love came when she got RSV, a terrible virus. She wanted to give up. She stopped drinking, she had a horrible cough and she started to want me to hold her. As scared as she was, she realized I was becoming a constant in her life. She needed someone to hold onto. She was put in the hospital and there became very scared, even more then at home. I never stopped holding her. I even took her from the crib they made for her and laid her next to me in the folding chair all night. I wanted her to know she wasn't in this alone.
When we returned home she was still sick, developing pneumonia and an ear infection. I kept her in my bed, right next to me, as much comfort as she would allow. As she got better, she started to trust us. Little by little she would allow others to give her hugs. As she got older, she would bend towards someone who asked for a kiss allowing them to kiss her forehead. Over the next year, I would have everyone in the family ask her for hugs and kisses, hold her as much as she allowed of us, making sure above all else that she realized how much she was loved.
When she turned 22 months old, I heard the words, mama. Tears of joy flowed, that at last she knew who I was and called me by name. Then at 27 months she offered her first kisses, to her big sister at first and then the rest of us.
Then, it's like it all clicked for her and I received what she was supposed to do as an infant. She wanted to just sit and listen to my heart, for comfort...for an understanding, for a moment that says...this is my mama, I am home. It was a few weeks after she turned 2 1/2. She had had colds or a runny nose off and on. She was becoming a little more snugly like she does when she's not feeling well. Then, it happened. She put her head on my chest, and lay very still. She was listening. She looked up at me in the glimmer of light in the bedroom and she leaned in and kissed me right on the lips, then she returned to her place upon my chest. She grabbed my arm and hugged it to her chest...
Well, she probably got a symphony because my heart was racing, my tears were flowing and my nose sniffling as I inhaled her hair and processed the gravity of this situation. She was calm, she had found peace, listening to her mommy's heart.
I was going to end here...but remembered just last week she started repeating "love you". It's my way of saying I love you. I say it to my children often and she hears it a lot, so now when I say ni nite, love you...I hear her whisper," ov u."
Love you too baby girl, More Than the World.
Surprised, yes, after all the foster babies in my care I knew how easily it was for a baby to connect to a mother other then the one who gave birth to her. I was that mother, that foster mom who helped them to learn that skill. The bonds we established were strong and took a while for babies to become attached to their forever mothers. In receiving that first care, that unconditional love, they were able to trust and love again. That's the plan, the goal. Maybe it was easier being healthy babies and coming to my home just a day or two after being born. I was there for Myanna the day after, just 16 hrs after she was born...but things were different for Myanna and I. Her birth wasn't peaceful or calm. Her birth was frightening and painful, bright and loud. She was on guard from the first moment she arrived.
When she needed comfort, when she needed to bond, she was in an incubator. The brief moments I had with her weren't enough to allow her to breath me in, recognize a new heart beat, listen to the sound of a strange voice. For her, when she was distraught and needed someone familiar, there was no one there. Just a multitude of strangers, me included. She was under lights for jaundice, she had blood tests daily, she needed re-stuck with IVs a few times, even one in her head. She had ultrasounds, and she screamed through them, while they held her down. She was having issues with the world, sensory issues we now understand more then we did back then. The lights and sounds were overwhelming for her. She had medication and drugs in her system for the birth mom, and they were messing up her system. She already had reflux and was vomiting her formula. Her heart was racing so fast and her breathing was like a Jack rabbit. So much so, they wouldn't allow her to eat from a bottle. She was ngtube fed and when they did allow bottle feeds they were small and she was hungry for more. It was sad to watch her go through it all, she needed what I couldn't give her, a familiar sounding heart, a voice, a smell.
A month later, when we were finally home she was having bonding issues. I know that now. I am not ashamed or hurt, I understand. At the time, I was so upset because she was uncomfortable and had such huge issues with drinking her bottle. I held her, rocked her, sang to her, walked her...She had silent reflux, rapid breathing and heart rate, as well as colic. She had dr appointments all the time and blood tests monthly. She never wanted to be up against my chest, she wanted to be held outwards, watching the world. She didn't like being in a wrap or sling. She wasn't comforted by my voice, she was lost.
Our baby would undergo many tests, some very uncomfortable or painful over many months and I was unable to reassure her. In my arms she was uncomfortable. There was no belief for her that her mommy would make it all better. The worst days were her surgery, and the days that followed. Those days when a mommy can heal all wounds and wipe all tears away. I was unable to even comfort her with a touch or by holding her. I think she didn't trust anyone, she was in so much pain, and looking for someone to fix it for her. It was heartbreaking to watch and still fills me with the utmost sadness thinking of it. In my arms, she should have found some sort of contentment, some sort of ease, but it was just full of sadness and pain for her. She screamed all the time, and the doctors didn't offer her any more pain meds then Tylenol and Advil after the first 36 hrs.
A glimmer of hope for our love came when she got RSV, a terrible virus. She wanted to give up. She stopped drinking, she had a horrible cough and she started to want me to hold her. As scared as she was, she realized I was becoming a constant in her life. She needed someone to hold onto. She was put in the hospital and there became very scared, even more then at home. I never stopped holding her. I even took her from the crib they made for her and laid her next to me in the folding chair all night. I wanted her to know she wasn't in this alone.
When we returned home she was still sick, developing pneumonia and an ear infection. I kept her in my bed, right next to me, as much comfort as she would allow. As she got better, she started to trust us. Little by little she would allow others to give her hugs. As she got older, she would bend towards someone who asked for a kiss allowing them to kiss her forehead. Over the next year, I would have everyone in the family ask her for hugs and kisses, hold her as much as she allowed of us, making sure above all else that she realized how much she was loved.
When she turned 22 months old, I heard the words, mama. Tears of joy flowed, that at last she knew who I was and called me by name. Then at 27 months she offered her first kisses, to her big sister at first and then the rest of us.
Then, it's like it all clicked for her and I received what she was supposed to do as an infant. She wanted to just sit and listen to my heart, for comfort...for an understanding, for a moment that says...this is my mama, I am home. It was a few weeks after she turned 2 1/2. She had had colds or a runny nose off and on. She was becoming a little more snugly like she does when she's not feeling well. Then, it happened. She put her head on my chest, and lay very still. She was listening. She looked up at me in the glimmer of light in the bedroom and she leaned in and kissed me right on the lips, then she returned to her place upon my chest. She grabbed my arm and hugged it to her chest...
Well, she probably got a symphony because my heart was racing, my tears were flowing and my nose sniffling as I inhaled her hair and processed the gravity of this situation. She was calm, she had found peace, listening to her mommy's heart.
I was going to end here...but remembered just last week she started repeating "love you". It's my way of saying I love you. I say it to my children often and she hears it a lot, so now when I say ni nite, love you...I hear her whisper," ov u."
Love you too baby girl, More Than the World.

A huge milestone...Anna started preschool this month. She went in like a champ! Loved it and did great we are told. Mommy and daddy waited in the parking lot, just in case. We are so proud of her, and how far she has come to be able to be alone in a classroom, without us. She even cried the first day because she didnt want to leave school!

Myanna has also joined the soccer team! She is fast, not sure if she will follow directions and not pick up the ball...but its just for fun really. Mom or dad get to be on the field with her. She does love running and kicking though...

Having a flashback moment...these are pictures from November 2011, how far she has come since then. Love my baby girl!
Our teacher is coming weekly now and we are starting a picture language program called picture exchange communication to help Anna with her wants and needs. We are hoping it will lessen her frustration. I need to take some pictures obviously for this month, but thought these were just adorable. She has grown, actually a lot! She grew 2 1/2 inches in 6 months, which is huge for her. She is actually into 24months clothes, or 2T yay!! Remember November 17th and wear purple...
Our teacher is coming weekly now and we are starting a picture language program called picture exchange communication to help Anna with her wants and needs. We are hoping it will lessen her frustration. I need to take some pictures obviously for this month, but thought these were just adorable. She has grown, actually a lot! She grew 2 1/2 inches in 6 months, which is huge for her. She is actually into 24months clothes, or 2T yay!! Remember November 17th and wear purple...